The Greatest Fictional Football Players
Aug 29, 2017
by Chase Gage
I’ve been working on a few football articles that have required a great amount of statistical analysis. That can be very strenuous and time-consuming.
So I decided to give myself a break and have some fun.
Today we will be analyzing the greatest football players in the history of film. The criteria for this list? Play football in a movie. That’s it. Sounds easy enough, right?
Many fan favorites may have been left off of this list. If that offends you, well, sorry. You can go cry about it somewhere else. Only my opinion matters here. You know why? Becuase I’m the writer. That means I get to do whatever I want.
Man, I think those two cups of coffee are kicking in. But I digress.
Let’s get to it. Here are my top five greatest fictional football players in the history of film.
5. Louie Lastik, Remember the Titans
He may not have done much on the field, but this kid had a heart of gold. He was the fiber that kept the Titans together through all the racial tension. How could you not love that chubby “light-skinned brother”? I just wanted to pinch his little cheeks the whole movie. The narrative distracts you with Julius, Sunshine, Rev and Bertier, but we all know Lastik was the real star of this film. And who could forget that angelic voice? *Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough!*
4. Aseel Tare (ACL Tear), The Comebacks
ACL Tear literally got hit by a bus and was fine. Not JJ Watt or Von Miller, but a literal bus. If not for a sunflower seed that led to an injury as gruesome as that of Joe Theismann, Aseel Tare could have led the Comebacks to the Promised Land. He was one of the toughest players to ever take the field in the history of cinema. Who else could take hits like this guy? No one, that’s who. He’s so tough, in fact, that he wheeled himself off the field with his knee bent completely in the opposite direction. And you know what else? He recovered from that injury before the conclusion of the season. Who else has that kind of recovery time?
3. Air Bud, Air Bud: Golden Reciever
Air Bud was the star of his junior high football team. He led them all the way to the championship game before being kidnapped. The team was facing a huge deficit in the championship with Bud nowhere to be found. After his daring escape, though, he made it to the game. Air Bud helped to lead a comeback but was ultimately taken out of the game due to injury. However, his simple presence was enough to boost the morale of the team enough for them to win the championship. What has your dog done lately besides sleep and poop in the house?
2. Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump
Gump could outrun anyone. He outran an airstrike in Vietnam while carrying Bubba for goodness sakes. He ran fast enough to break STEELE bars off of his legs. He was an All-American for Bear Bryant. He had the greatest stamina of any athlete I’ve ever seen. Do you think anyone in today’s game could run from one coast to the other just because he felt like it? Forget about it. If this list was about athletes instead of strictly football players, Gump would EASILY be number one.
Note: He was also the American Table Tennis Player of the Year. Don’t forget that.
1. Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite
He could throw a football over mountains. If his coach had put him in in the fourth quarter, they would have won state. He would have gone pro. There’s no doubt in his mind or any of ours. He is definitely deserving of the top spot on our list. Uncle Rico will go down in history as one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game with the likes of Manning, Brady and Montana. If there was a Mt. Rushmore of quarterbacks, his face would be on it, and he would throw a football over it with ease.