Fantasy Football Gods
Sep 12, 2017
By Kevin Hulett
If you play fantasy football, you know the undeniable power and influence of the fantasy gods. Despite their reknown, there is still so much that remains unknown about these immortal fantasy beings. What is known, is a compilation of information from various witness accounts, holy texts, and folklore. The more you know about the gods, the better chance you have of appeasing them.
Justessertious – God of Justice
The chief fantasy god is Justessertious, the god of justice. Justessertious is mainly concerned with fantasy team owners getting exactly what they deserve, and he always makes sure they will eat their just desserts. Are you reverent of the fantasy gods, stay humble before them, and avoid taunting them? Justessertious will reward your faithfulness with abundant fantasy points. Are you a bad member of your league, obnoxiously brag about how good your team is, or take for granted the fantasy gods allowing you to play their glorious game? Justessertious will make it his sole objective to make sure you lose and are humiliated before your entire league.
Miraclese – Goddess of Comeback Wins
The fantasy goddess in charge whether or not you pull off an unbelievable comeback win is Miraclese. Are you down by 30 going into the Monday night game with just your QB yet to play? You better do whatever it takes to gain the favor of Miraclese if you want any chance of pulling out a miracle win.
Cortissaire – Goddess of Healing
Cortissaire is the other female fantasy god, and she influences whether or not your banged up player will recover in time to play on game day. Is your star running back questionable with a gimpy ankle going into a Sunday night game? You can waste your time looking for a replacement on the waiver wire, or you can spend your time wisely by paying your respects to Cortissaire in hopes that she will reward your devotion with a healthy player at game time. Her twin brother is Aclarius.
Aclarius – God of Injuries
Aclarius is the only fantasy god that is inherently evil and only interested in sabotaging your hopes of a fantasy football championship. There really isn’t much you can do to avoid the wrath of Aclarius other than staying under the radar and hoping he doesn’t choose to pick on you this week. His main MO is to possess a defensive player and to target your fantasy player’s vulnerable body parts. More often than not, if a cheap shot is taken on a defenseless player, you can blame it on Aclarius. His twin sister is Cortissaire.
Vaughnie – God of Weather
The fantasy god in charge of whether or not your fantasy players will have ideal or poor weather to play in is Vaughnie. Does your QB play against a defense with a bad secondary, but the possibility of thunderstorms threaten to force his team to run the ball more? You’d better hope that Vaughnie has mercy on you and holds off the rain in time for your QB to throw some long TDs. Is your opponent’s kicker lining up to kick a 50-yard FG? Being on Vaughnie’s good side may result in an opportune gust of wind forcing the kick wide right.
Replacious – God of Officials
The god of officials, Replacious, can greatly influence a game by controlling the thoughts and actions of the referees. 3rd and goal, your running back jumps over the pile, and may or may not have crossed the goal line. The officials turn to instant replay to make the decision. You better hope that Replacious shows you favor and grants your team the TD. Replacious can also send a yellow flag through the air to negate your opponent’s player’s big gain. It’s of the utmost importance to gain the favor of Replacious.
How do you gain their favor?
Now that you know who the fantasy gods are, and what aspects of the game they influence, the next question is, how do you appease them and gain their favor? One of the main ways is through meditation and prayer. Spending time daily in devotion, thinking about your lineup and thanking the fantasy gods for all the ways they’ve blessed you, is the simplest way to gain their favor. Another way to gain favor is through sacrifice. Setting aside your first chicken wing as a tribute, pouring out the first drink of your pregame beverage, and removing the fat from your steak and burning it as a sweet aroma to waft up to the heavens are all popular, acceptable forms of sacrifice. A third way to gain the fantasy gods’ favor, especially Justessertious, is through acts of service to others. Whether it’s politely pressing ‘decline’ on a trade offer instead of ignoring it, liking someone’s clever comment in GroupMe, or congratulating someone on their victory against an opponent, when you show kindness to others, the fantasy gods will show kindness to you. Whether you use these forms of worship to the gods or other various forms, remember to always keep them in mind so that your fantasy football ways shall prosper and your point totals remain high.